I was just over at Havi’s and got to thinking about culture. She’s got a company culture that I like a lot–lots of things like amnesty and destuckification and playfulness with powerful underpinnings. She doesn’t run her place like most people run their places, and it’s just exactly perfect for her. And for lots of other people, too. It feels safe without being wimpy.
And then I got to thinking about our culture, North American, or maybe more accurately American culture, and how we got all messed up about sex and how much the expectations of the people around us impact the decisions and choices we think we can make. For example: we can’t choose the family structures we might like best because of what our friends or children’s friends’ parents or employers will think. Or we can but we have to hide it. We can’t like sex or we can’t not want to have sex because someone we know will think it’s wrong or weird or slutty or frigid. We can’t declare ourselves on touch sabbatical or indulge in a month long cuddle fest where everyone is encouraged to hug us all the time, because someone might get weirded out or think we’re coming on to them.
What the fuck?
I mean seriously, folks. Why can’t we make space in our heads for other people to take good care of their own needs without feeling like we have to make them wrong?
Usually when people make other people wrong about something that doesn’t actually affect them it’s because they’re scared.
Scared of change, or scared of being wrong ourselves. Or scared of getting hurt.
We’re living in a culture of fear around sex and bodies. And sometimes there’s a lot of resistance to changing that. It makes it hard to break out, to experiment, to even name what you need or want to someone you like very much.
Havi uses a thing called Very Personal Ads. I’d like to place one here.
What I Want: I want more places in this world where the culture about sex is so easy that being honest and clear and direct arises naturally. This way people will be more real and more in touch with their own desires and get more pleasure from their lives and their bodies.
How this could work: I can keep doing this work here. I can make a downloadable something to make this work more accessible. I can encourage and support people being real in public. I can lead by example. I can keep writing here.
My commitment: to figure out the downloadable thing. To keep writing. To do this work. To keep saying it out loud. The power of naming is not everything, but it is strong.